This Is What It Feels Like?
So this is what it feels like? Like actually supposed to feel like. I’m so used to there being conditions. So used to making sure I had constructed a solid logical proposition/argument before asking for help in getting one of my needs met. I learned that asking for help was more trouble than it was worth. I learned to stop asking for it. I learned to be as self-sufficient as possible. I learned that even if someone was offering me help it wasn’t really genuine, just a part of the social script.
Like I’ve experienced someone’s thoughtfulness before. I know what someone’s gratitude feels like. Someone’s infatuation. A child’s adoration. A lover’s desire. I know what it feels like to be part of a team that can anticipate to a level that feels like telepathy. I also know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone’s rage. But this feeling that I got today, it’s a new one for me that’s popped up before in the past couple of years.
It makes me feel uncomfortable, but only because it’s so unfamiliar and not what I’m used to. I’m not used to folks just accepting me where I’m at. I’m used to having to prove it, sometimes in blood, sweat, and tears. I’m used to having to earn someone’s support. To be worthy of help. Even after getting diagnosed with MS there were times where I feel like I had to barter for help. If you help me with this task now I’ll help you with this task later kind of situations. I’m not used to folks just offering help because they see I could use it and also following through with the offered help.
Someone (who lives out of state and happened to be in town) picked up some groceries for me today and dropped them off. I can’t think of a time where I have ever felt comfortable enough with someone to ask them to do something like that for me. In fact I had offered to do this errand with them because we both needed to do it. But they knew it was a lower mobility day for me and just offered to do it for me. I was baffled by the offer. My brain is still trying to sort out and understand this whole situation because this has not been my normal.
During the period of time surrounding my divorce I really started to notice and gratefully accept community support. Right before I moved out West I met someone that showed me what healthy support and communication in a romantic relationship can look like. Moving out West I reconnected with someone who taught me that I can (and am worthy) of having safe space in their presence. I met new friends that showed me what community/family support looked and felt like on a personal level.
I’m learning to let go of the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s something my partners and communities have been helping me unlearn. Their words and their actions keep matching up. They keep showing up. I don’t feel like I have to prepare my defense for an ambush attack. I can just be? What is this y’all? It feels warm and fuzzy, comforting. This? This is what I’ve been missing out on? This is what people mean when they are talking about secure attachment? I don’t want to go back to the way I was doing things before. This feels way better.
