Seventeen, Eighteen, & Nineteen Weeks Ago

Hey folks! I know it has been awhile since I have gotten a writing up but I have just been struggling lately. There has been a lot of stress I have been feeling and dealing with the stress using old patterns only made things more difficult for myself and those around me. It hasn’t been all doom and gloom over these past few weeks though. There were two birthdays in our household in a week, so that meant there was lots of cake around! We took a short trip out of town to visit some friends. Thanksgiving was all about family and food and it was really nice to spend time with my Mom’s clan. Shannon and I had dinner with my Dad the Sunday after Thanksgiving and I can’t remember the last time I heard him laugh so much. We’ve also been helping with a move out job lately that’s been keeping us pretty busy but we’ve managed to squeeze some music practice in and played through for the first time together the song we have been working on without looking at lyrics or chords along with the music.

My medicine still hasn’t come yet but I finally started to get some answers as to why it has been taking so long. I still don’t quite understand what happened but one phone call resulted in the CVS specialty pharmacy wanting to transfer my prescription to RiteAid. The reason I was given to why they were going to transfer it was because I would get the medicine quicker than I would if CVS took the time to get all the paperwork in order to fix the mix up. I spent close to an hour and half on the phone one morning with different folks at the CVS specialty pharmacy to get answers about why I didn’t have the medication yet. I thought it was going to be about a twenty minute call. I had to cancel an appointment with a doctor at Johns Hopkins because I haven’t been able to take the medication yet and have to reschedule for a time when I have been taking it for a few weeks. But I wasn’t told how long this whole transfer process was going to take so I’m not quite sure when to schedule the appointment for. Then I got a voice mail two days later from the Hopkins pharmacy telling me that they don’t want my prescription transferred and that I need to call CVS back and sort it out. Since then I’ve also been able to talk to a friend that has MS and am starting to question whether or not I should start this specific medication because there are other ones that don’t involve injections and don’t hit the immune system as hard. When my doctor talked to me about prescribing the Copaxone he made it seem like the other treatments were way more aggressive and that it was my best option but now I’m not so sure. With all the mix ups happening I feel like I should really put some effort into researching my options and I’m not sure when to schedule that appointment for now. Going through this whole process makes me think about how many people there might be that aren’t getting the medicine or treatment they need because the healthcare system is so broken in this country. The system is difficult and stressful to navigate and how many people aren’t getting the healthcare they need because of that.

Over stressed and over stimulated is a combo that has taken a toll on my brain. I have been trying to keep up with life but there is a lot that has me feeling behind and like I have been losing at this big game of “catch up” since leaving the hospital. I haven’t been keeping up with daily practices that help maintain my body, mind, and spirit balance. When I don’t keep up with those things and turn to quick escapes more there are consequences. I melted down, a few times since I last wrote. They weren’t pretty and I’m pretty embarrassed because I have been able to put some pretty healthy tools in my toolbox for dealing with stress over the years and I know that I know how to take better care of myself. It is frustrating to see some of my old patterns and behaviors popping out this strong and it certainly isn’t a cake-walk for the people closest to me. At least these meltdowns gave me a really clear insight into the kinds of daily and weekly practices that are more helpful in the long run. I want to be a better me so I have been making some better decisions in moments. I’ve been stretching more over the past few days. I even managed to get myself to do a full yoga set. It was a shorter set but it was still a good gift to give my body. I’ve been making sure to eat full meals and not just snacks as well as making sure to drink more water. My tobacco smoking has really cut down and I am feeling so ready to quit and get my breath back.

Thanksgiving was a big highlight for me in these past few weeks; it felt relaxing and warm. The warm feelings came not only from fire but also from feeling the love around. I got to make fire in the gorgeous fireplace at my Mom’s but got a little confused about the flue and I made the house just a little smoky, sorry Eleni. I feel so lucky and really grateful to have such an incredibly supportive family; Shannon and I talked to them about how life was and wanting to move a bit farther out from the city but wanting to stay relatively close to Hopkins and they were all for it. It was the first time I was seeing extended family since being in the hospital so they were all checking in to see how I was doing and I was surprised by how many of them told me that they have been keeping up with the blog so shout out to them for being awesome. Hi Fam! Y’all are the best and I love you!

I am doing my best to be forgiving but firm with myself as I get my feet steady back under me. I’m in a place where it is still really easy to let my brain go down paths where the ruts of old patterns are deep but the past few days I have been making better choices. I know that some days it will still be hard to make those better choices but the more and more I make better choices, the easier it will be to continue to make better choices during times of stress. Shannon and I both continue to push each other to grow as better communicators and it is always during these stressful times that we push each other the hardest. We are human so we don’t always get it perfect but we both keep coming back to the table to figure it out.