Three Years Ago

Oh wow that was three years ago already!? So much has happened since then. Three years ago my whole world changed and I wasn't sure how things were going to go from there. I asked Shannon to bring my ukulele and my drum to the hospital. I made music to move through my anxiety. The action of playing or strumming helped my fingers and hands regain some dexterity. I still wasn't sure how many of the things I would still be able to do then. Three years later and I'm still moving and grooving. Doing everything I could do before my stay at the hospital. I am still struggling to use a walking aid on days where I should because "I'm 31 and my legs still work, why do I need a cane?" The answer is because sometimes my legs are weak and I find myself holding myself up by hanging onto the counters and walls, but it's much less of a fall hazard if I used the cane in those moments instead of trying to barrel through it.

Getting diagnosed with MS did create some subtle changes in my life. Sure I overheat more quickly and have to take more naps. But I have also found more moments of gratitude and joy. I feel thankful every day I wake up and all my limbs move how my brain is telling them too. I feel thankful in moments where I want to contort and twist my body because the "MS hug" sensation is a real thing. When my body is feeling an "MS hug" I can't lift my arms above my head or twist my torso. I've gained an awareness and dialogue with my body that is as intimate as a lover's. I've learned to listen to what my body tells me it needs and to follow through.

I wouldn't and couldn't be where I am at today without the love and support of friends and family. Thank you all for your love and support, I am grateful for you all every day but feeling especially squishy about it after reconnecting with an old friend and spending a weekend in the woods playing games, making fire, and sharing ritual space with my tribe and community. I love you all.